


your daughter was right to stick with women

by The_Onion_Wanton



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Heavy Drinking, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Male-Female Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 11:52:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11646009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Onion_Wanton/pseuds/The_Onion_Wanton
Summary: “Don’t give me the face,” Mary leaned back, tilted the wine glass at him semi-threateningly. “When you fuck a girl’s husband it’s common decency to cover her tab.”alternatively titled: your husband is a dick, lets drinkalternatively titled: i homewrecked myself a bestiealternatively titled: fuck joseph (neil can stay)





	your daughter was right to stick with women

**Author's Note:**

> i like women alcohol and friendships born out of mutual misery Catch me pandering to my own sensibilities

He could still feel Joseph’s lips on his — took every fiber of Robert’s being to not reach out, touch where He’d touched him — he was being _ridiculous_ , one night with a youth minister and he was spewing religious metaphors, Joseph really took ‘making you scream god’s name’ to a new, weirdass level.

Robert knocked the rest of his shot back. _He was being ridiculous._

It was just sex. Just really, really mind-blowingly good sex — and sure, maybe he stuck around to cuddle in the morning but that was just him trying to get a round two of the religious belief changing _Just Sex_ — and then he stayed for brunch but that was just a human need at that point. Getting free food out of a casual hookup never made it any less of a casual hookup. 

Maybe he still felt tingly all over. Maybe his bed felt empty without someone — and just anyone someone’s because, fuck that noise, he was an _adult_ — maybe despite the several orgasms the thing he kept thinking back to was the way Joseph looked, asleep and —

Robert needed another drink.

Neil didn’t need to ask for an order; Rob’s glass was being refilled the moment he placed it on the counter, and Robert gave him a grateful smile before knocking it back too.

“Easy there, stallion.” 

Robert froze. Refused to look over. 

“Not my mum.”

“Yes, you’re a bit old for that,” Mary Christansen, Joseph’s wife, because Joseph had one, and Robert was doing a pretty good job of ignoring that when the woman wasn’t _right there next to him_ — she was staring him down. 

Shit.

 _What’s she going to do?_ Robert motioned at Neil for a refill. _She hit on approximately every guy that passed this pub at least once. Taste of her own medicine, all that, shit_ was he uncomfortable.

“Hey,” Mary leaned in as Neil approached. “Get a girl another glass, on him?”

Neil hesitated for barely a second — Robert still appreciated the gesture. _It’s about the small things in life._

Sighed, sipped his drink — Mary accepted her refill like a mother holding a newborn for the first time. 

_This was fucking awkward._

“Don’t give me the face,” Mary leaned back, tilted the wine glass at him semi-threateningly. “When you fuck a girl’s husband it’s common decency to cover her tab.”

Robert felt his eyes widen for a second — _and that was a second too long, you idiot_ — looked down at the glass.

His hands were a mess. Joseph didn’t seem to mind, though — could probably still use to invest in some lotion, get some of his shit together —

“Hey, relax. ‘M not here to start a barfight,” Mary chuckled into her wine. “Well. Not with you, at least.”

Robert looked back at her. Kept his face impassive.

“You’re not the first,” she shrugged. “Or the last.”

He knew that. _And it wasn’t making him feel anything._ His prepubescent-acting heart rate could go fuck itself. 

Robert took another drink.

“Look, I am not here to make an enemy,” Mary sighed. Continued playing with her wine glass. _What a sight the two of them must’ve made._

Robert was almost done with this glass. “So what are you here to do, then?”

He met her eyes. 

She looked sad.

He wasn’t prepared for that.

“Don’t let him break your heart,” she said. Knocked her glass back — was smiling again by the time she set it down, dark stains in the cracks of her lipstick. “He’s not worth it.”

He watched her leave; Neil walked over wordlessly, refilled his glass.

“What the fuck,” he muttered.

“That’ll be 24.99,” Neil said.

“Yeah,” Robert finished his drink, fished the wallet out of the back-pocket of his jeans.

Neil watched him count the cash. “She likes you.”

“Mhm,” Robert slid the money over. “Trying to get yourself a tip?”

“You act as if it’s not a given,” Neil winked at him. “Take care.”

“Sure.”

“Hope you’re not thinking of driving anywhere.”

Robert saluted in response.

 

__

 

He was an idiot.

Neil had taken his key already, apparently not even trusting him to know he can’t drive — Robert honestly doubted he’d be able to get out of the booth in this state but _hey, a gesture is a gesture._

He was such an _idiot_.

He was out of whiskey. Hoped Neil would let him get another one. _If it pays let it drink itself into a coma, man._

Someone was sliding into the seat across of him. Robert looked up, blinked away the bleariness of his vision.

“Aw.” It was Mary. Of course it was Mary. Honestly, he had it coming.

He groaned, put his face back in between the crook of his elbow and the tabletop stickiness, _where it was safe._

Mary nudged him under the table. “Whatcha got going on there?”

He groaned again. “Karma.” 

She laughed. “Come on now,” nudged him again. “I’m buying you a drink, behave.”

He looked up at that.

She shrugged. “Whiskey, right?”

“That,” his voice felt raw. He cleared his throat. “That’s the usual poison, yes.”

She hummed, gestured for Neil. “We could do to expand your horizons a little, but it’ll do for tonight.”

“I do have...expanded horizons.”

She mouthed a ‘ha’, said nothing else.

“So,” he sat up straighter. He hoped. _He was drunk._ “Congratulations, on the marriage.”

She was watching him with something dangerously like pity.

He burped. “What?”

Moment over — _thank god_. “My marriage is a dumpster.”

Oh. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Neil brought the bottle over; top shelf stuff.

Mary must’ve noticed the look on Robert’s face. “It’s on me.”

“Well I’ll be damned,” he was still processing. “You have money of your own.”

She winked. “We’re technically drinking Joseph into the red here, but, yes.”

He wolf whistled. 

“So,” she poured them each a glass. “Heard he dumped you.”

He said nothing.

“I tried to warn you,” she slid one over to him. “Told you he isn’t worth it.”

Robert’s throat felt dry.

“Bottoms up,” he managed to get out. Brought the shot to his lips without waiting.

“The openness is a welcome surprise but I really don’t need to know that much about what happened.”

He choked on the liquor.

She laughed, apparently delighted. “I like you. We need to keep doing this.”

“Yeah,” why the fuck not. _No lower to sink._ “When you fuck a girl’s husband, it’s common decency to become her drinking buddy.”

“Atta boy.” 

__

 

“He’s new,” Mary was leaning against his side, heavily intoxicated. “Joseph took him to the Margarita Zone.”

“I’ll be damned.” Fuck, Margarita Zone had been so _nice_. If Robert was any better at actually going through with plans, he’d build his own escapist shed. “I want a Margarita now.”

“I’ll get him to buy us some.”

“Pull the ‘fuck a girl’s husband’ line again?”

Mary kissed his cheek. “No, he didn’t put out yet.”

“I feel like you’re calling me easy here.”

She just winked.

Next morning found Robert sprawled across his bed, a headache building up in his temples and Mary blowing up his phone.

_he’s cute._

**cuter than me?**

_yes._

He laughed. God, he kind of loved her. 

**we should catch him on the rebound**

**he can be the third musketeer to our triweekly pubcrawl circlejerk**

_would you like to?_

Robert paused before responding. 

Mary started flooding his messages again.

_you should talk to him._

He grit his teeth.

**i am.**

_you know what i mean._

She was a really fast texter when she wanted to be.

**im not handling your asshole husband for you.**

_not what you said six months ago?_

Ouch. He groaned, threw his head back on the couch.

_too soon? anyways,_

God bless her.

_i tried to but i think i did poorly._

**should’ve probably done it sober yeah**

_get real, robert._

He was cackling now.

_they’re having a yacht hangout today_

He sighed. 

**i hate you**

_john 15:13 greater love has no one than this_

He sent her an audio message of nothing but an overdone groan. Got up to put some pants on.

__

“Hope he’s okay,” Mary said, focused on leaving dark lipstick stains all over the wine glass.

“Well, if he’s not," Robert deadpanned. "He’ll have the joy of rubbing M.A.C. cosmetics off his glassware to keep him busy."

She looked up for a second. Held his eyes as she continued.

He rolled his eyes, snorted. “You’re ridiculous.”

“I’m on, like, six beta blockers right now,” she leaned against his side. “It’s a medical miracle I’m even standing upright.”

He threw a hand across her shoulders, squeezed. “That’s nice.”

“Think Joseph will dump him on his own party?”

“If he doesn’t I’ll be disappointed,” Robert swirled the whiskey around his own glass, frowned.

She looked up at him. “Thank you for talking to him.”

He gave another laugh. “Didn’t help.”

“Still,” she nudged him. “He’ll remember.”

Robert was _tired_. “Joy.”

“You know,” she was still giving him that Look. “You could bond over this experience.”

“Jesus, Mary.”

“Joseph, Lazarus—”

“ _Mary_.”

“You’re the _worst_ at Bible themed _I spy_.”

“That’s why your husband left me,” he knocked the rest of his glass back. “And the New Guy just got led on by an asshole, doubt he wants a repeat performance.”

She was still watching. “You don’t need to lead him on.”

He laughed. “Not going to argue with the asshole part?”

“Nope,” she popped the last sound. Squeezed his forearm, briefly enough for it to not turn into a _moment_. “But you’re worth getting your heart broken over.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading ! hmu @the-onion-slut (tumblr) if u wanna

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Your daughter was right to stick with women](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12818829) by [Annapods](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annapods/pseuds/Annapods)




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